A question that is frequently posed at a support group that I regularly attend is "Who's driving your car?" As in, is it ED that is driving it, or are YOU? I find myself asking myself every once in a while, and while most of the time I am sure of my answer, and am able to flip it around in the moment until I am in the drivers seat, sometimes this is not the case.
... And then there are days like today...
I had therapy after IOP (intensive outpatient program. 3 hours, 4 days a week) today and the topic of insurance came up. Apparently the 30 days that they approved for me to remain in the program is running out soon and we need to re-evaluate and re-submit a request for more time. My T questioned what more I could get out of being in programming and what I would do differently, with more time, to essentially get more out of my time and make more progress.
It really made me question, yet again, whether I TRULY am ready and willing to give up my eating disorder. Yes, I will admit that I have made progress. I only binged/purged ONCE last week (okay, partly because I had the stomach flu all last week and had no appetite.) But I know that I am still desperately clinging onto ED because that is what I know. It's comfortable. It's my safety blanket and essentially my excuse for not succeeding in life. If I'm not sick or in treatment, how else can I explain away my laziness and lack of motivation to be a responsible adult and get a real life, real job, etc...
Obviously this also explains why I was SO upset when she asked if I really thought I should remain in IOP at all, as if she thought I either didn't need it any more or just wouldn't get anything more out of it. Not only does it scare me because I feel like treatment is such a huge part of my life right now and I NEED the support, but also because If I leave, then I have to actually DO SOMETHING.
And honestly, the thought of that terrifies me even more than the thought of falling headfirst back into the eating disorder. ALOT MORE.
So that brings me back to the original question: Who's driving my car?
The answer? I don't even want to be driving this fucking car. I have no clue where it's going, I don't really care to steer the wheel out of both fear of making a wrong turn and anxiety over getting a ticket or crashing or any other catastrophe. AND who knows? Maybe there was never any gas in the car anyways?! Maybe it's just not meant to go anywhere?
Maybe it's just my fear of responsibility and taking care of myself and my anxiety and blah, blah, blah... first world problems...
But honestly... I just want out of this car.