Tuesday, January 31, 2012


So this weekend didn't go quite as well as the past few weeks had been.  I used symptoms, after 11 days going without.  I'm not gonna beat myself up, but I am regretting putting myself back at the start.  Back at day one.  I didn't lose those 11 days.  But it's still disappointing that I messed up.

Oh well. Onwards I go, getting back up on the horse.  I now have one full day back on track, and closing in on day 2 I think I can make it through.  I will.  I'm really just taking this one minute, hour, day at a time.

My urges have been creeping back up on me, but I noticed that even when I gave into them this weekend, I didn't get the same satisfaction that usually do when I fulfill those urges.  And I sure as heck felt like absolute SHIT (physically and mentally) after the fact.  It's weird how different it is... When I'm entrenched in the eating disorder and using symptoms multiple times a day, I get so used to feeling horrible that it doesn't bother me... But when I've been doing well and feeling better, one slip and I feel like I got run over by a truck the next day.  So that's good motivation to keep doing the right thing! 

ALSO! I have a book recommendation.  It's probably the best memoir that deals with eating disorders and mental health issues that I've read in a while.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Fuck Cigna

I've taken up a hobby lately of bombarding my health insurance company's facebook page with what I would consider constructive feedback, regarding my shitty experience with them.

To make a long story short, they have denied continued care in numerous levels of care before my teams have felt it would have been appropriate to do so.  As a result, when I fell back down so hard after leaving residential and making no progress even in intensive outpatient programming, I ended up back in residential.

...Only to be kicked out after two weeks because it was no longer "medically necessary"....  Huh?  I mean, I can understand using medical necessity as a guideline for inpatient care because that is more for stabilization, but for residential? Since when is an eating disorder a medical disease more so than it is a MENTAL disorder?  At certain points I was suicidal, experiencing intense and disorienting side effects from medications, and I was still orthostatic, dehydrated, dizzy, and most importantly, I was still using symptoms. EVEN UNDER 24 HOUR CARE.

And yet I still wasn't sick enough.

So this prompted my rage, which thus turned into this, among other similar responses to some of their status updates, posts, and questions for their "fans" (who i'm sure only "liked" them because they want to keep tabs on what kind of crap the "walmart of health insurance" is spewing on facebook).

 Ah. That feels better. I find that when I get mad and rageful towards them I find some new sort of inspiration to fight this damn eating disorder, just to spite them.
Oh, and in other, i guess related news, 9 FUCKING DAYS B/P FREE!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Still truckin'

If I make it through today it will be a WHOLE WEEK without binging or purging! I'm still working on the restriction piece, but I have made my goal of getting in at least 80% of my meal plan in on the days that I don't b/p. 

So I'm still riding this wave, although now the urges to use symptoms are coming back and harder to resist.  But my motivation (wherever the hell it is coming from) still gets me through each day, if only by the grace of my new motto, "Don't Fuck Up!"  

Friday, January 20, 2012

Four Bad Ass Mother Truckin' Days!

For the first time in who the fuck knows how long...  I've gone 4 CONSECUTIVE days without using symptoms.  I haven't done this EVER (ok, in the last 5 years of my life) without being supervised 24/7.  HELL YEAH!

I don't even know where this new-found motivation or desire for recovery is coming from, but I'm gonna ride this wave for as long as I can.  And who knows? Maybe I'll figure out the key to this all some way along the wave.  All I know is that I feel GOOD, awake, present, and best of all my urges to binge and purge are practically non-existent right now. 

Let's just hope this wave crashes later rather than sooner...