Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Who's Driving Your Car?

A question that is frequently posed at a support group that I regularly attend is "Who's driving your car?"  As in, is it ED that is driving it, or are YOU?  I find myself asking myself every once in a while, and while most of the time I am sure of my answer, and am able to flip it around in the moment until I am in the drivers seat, sometimes this is not the case.

... And then there are days like today...

I had therapy after IOP (intensive outpatient program.  3 hours, 4 days a week) today and the topic of insurance came up.  Apparently the 30 days that they approved for me to remain in the program is running out soon and we need to re-evaluate and re-submit a request for more time.  My T questioned what more I could get out of being in programming and what I would do differently, with more time, to essentially get more out of my time and make more progress.

It really made me question, yet again, whether I TRULY am ready and willing to give up my eating disorder. Yes, I will admit that I have made progress.  I only binged/purged ONCE last week (okay, partly because I had the stomach flu all last week and had no appetite.) But I know that I am still desperately clinging onto ED because that is what I know.  It's comfortable.  It's my safety blanket and essentially my excuse for not succeeding in life.  If I'm not sick or in treatment, how else can I explain away my laziness and lack of motivation to be a responsible adult and get a real life, real job, etc...

Obviously this also explains why I was SO upset when she asked if I really thought I should remain in IOP at all, as if she thought I either didn't need it any more or just wouldn't get anything more out of it.  Not only does it scare me because I feel like treatment is such a huge part of my life right now and I NEED the support, but also because If I leave, then I have to actually DO SOMETHING.

And honestly, the thought of that terrifies me even more than the thought of falling headfirst back into the eating disorder.  ALOT MORE. 

So that brings me back to the original question: Who's driving my car?

The answer?  I don't even want to be driving this fucking car.  I have no clue where it's going, I don't really care to steer the wheel out of both fear of making a wrong turn and anxiety over getting a ticket or crashing or any other catastrophe.  AND who knows? Maybe there was never any gas in the car anyways?!  Maybe it's just not meant to go anywhere?

 Maybe it's just my fear of responsibility and taking care of myself and my anxiety and blah, blah, blah... first world problems...

 But honestly... I just want out of this car. 


Monday, March 12, 2012

Hoping aunt flo would come visit... for once!

I am such a mess right now. Emotionally, and ED- wise. I hope this is temporary and it's just a pms thing... but I have yet to see that darn monthly curse show up... so maybe it is just the depression and crap coming back full force.

Also, sleep has sucked lately. My meds give me crazy dreams (more on that below) and I wake up so many times during the night between dreams that I don't think I ever really enter a deep enough sleep to feel rested in the morning... I decreased the dose (not on my own- my psych told me to try it) and so far it's just been more of the same. In consequence, I am exhausted. So exhausted, all day, that it is even harder to fight ED thoughts and urges.

So, as I mentioned, I have been having crazy, extremely vivid dreams lately.  The most exciting and memorable of which is one that i had a couple weeks ago and I have proceeded to re-tell it countless times to pretty much everyone I encounter on a day-to-day basis.  Because it was just so bizarre that it needed to be repeated.  I really think a lot of my dreams lately should be movies or reality shows or books.  But I lack the skills to turn them into either.
This infamous dream involved myself, Katy Perry, and Celine Dion.  All three of us were locked up in this strange warehouse, competing for our lives in this weird karaoke challenge.  We were to complete the challenge before midnight, otherwise the building would blow up and kill us all...  HOWEVER, me and Katy were able to fly.  And we were INVINCIBLE! So once we realized we had 5 minutes left and were nowhere near completing this task, we knew were screwed, we flew out the window.  Celine, on the other hand, did not have our superpowers and was left there to die.  


AND THEN... flying through the sky, I happened to come across a huge, magical tree fortress within the clouds.  As I flew up into it, I met up with a frog, atop a display of pickles.  
Yes, pickles. He proceeded to teach me about the various types of pickles in existence.  

That's not even the only dream I had that night, either... But if I were to continue this would become a very long post.

Well, I think that's pretty much it...  I just needed to put this out there because it was one of my goals to journal more and then I realized how long it has been since my last post here.