Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I want to want recovery... Is that good enough?

Oh boy, it's been a while. So much is happening. Remember the interview I had? Well, I got that job (yay!) and I've been there for 2 months now and am loving it (yay!). Still doing the retail thing for the health insurance, and still doing outpatient appointments and groups (love my art group so so so much).

AND!!!!!-- I applied to another DSP job with a different agency which pays more- and got that job too! I start in 2 weeks and I'm terrified/excited/nervous/alloftheemotions.... Not only does it pay better, but there is opportunity for a promotion within the first 6 months :)

So many GOOD things are happening that one would think that it would make the ED quiet down a bit, right? ... Not so much. I think, in my mind (okay, the eating disordered mind), that i look for ANY excuse to use symptoms- whether it be because i'm stressed out, sad, or any other emotion that I want to avoid... Or that I'm happy and had a good day and wound up and I just need to come down off of the high so that I can sleep at night. Obviously there are other things that can suit these needs, but I'm having a hard time even accessing that desire to do anything different, or think of alternatives. Something to work on, definitely.

Also, My teeth are F*CKED up. I had to go to the dentist this morning for the first of 4 appointments to get fillings because I have so many cavities and so much decay. I had therapy later in the day and felt just so completely out of it, zoned out, and wanting to go out and binge so badly, but knowing it would be bad for the fillings. My therapist kept asking if I really was more depressed than I was leading on, because of it, and I really didn't (and still don't) think so. So many good things are happening, and I have been generally happy lately.

Now that I've gotten to think about it, I think that part of the reason that I was zoned out and not engaged, and thinking more about using symptoms, is because of the fact that I had that dental work and still have more to do---- mainly because of the eating disorder. I'm pissed that I let it get this far that my teeth are almost irreparable, and that my motivation to recover is still not really there. I'm annoyed that while I realize that the bulimia is what caused all this trouble, I still am so attached to my eating disorder and that the second that I got out of the dentist's office I was mad that I couldn't binge for the next 24 hours.

And so this brings me full circle to one of the questions I keep finding myself asking... Where do you get motivation? How do you cultivate desire for recovery when you can't even imagine the possibility of (nor feel like you want) your life without the eating disorder?

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